Controlling Your Anger

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26-27, “in your anger do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” 

There are those who may believe that anger itself is a sin.  However, God is our creator, and he gave us our emotions, of which anger is one.  However, when we let anger control us, we can sin as a result. I can address anger in general, but as you know by now, most often I relate my blogs to marriage relationships.  Forgive me if I again aim in that direction. This can apply to any and all relationships, however.

If we consider it closely, often anger is an emotion born from hurt.  It is very often a defensive mechanism.  I can only speak for myself, but when I feel hurt, disrespected, denied, left out, talked down to, my immediate reaction is a hurt emotion that quickly turns to anger.  How do I know?  Have you ever felt the “heat” of anger?  Yes, that feeling that makes your face turn red, that makes you sweat even when you are in a cool environment. That, my friend, is the physical manifestation of anger.

When we find anger welling up inside us, what do we do?  Maybe we open our mouth and respond in a hurtful way.  That is the easiest and quickest way to unleash the anger building inside.  It also is the least effective in ultimately resolving whatever it was that created this strong emotional response in us.  There are better options.  In fact, Proverbs 14:29 points out the problem with this knee-jerk reaction when we feel anger.  “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” 

I have learned (at my ripe old age I might add) that the first and most effective way to react when I feel that anger begin to build is to stop, take a breath, and keep my mouth shut.  Instead of dousing the area when gasoline and striking a match, wait.  Some suggest counting to 10.  Although that can help to deter the lashing-out response, it does not move toward calmness.  It just removes the fuel.  Not a bad first step.

Personally, I know that in most cases, a response is expected by me about whatever has occurred.  But how can I use my acquired “wisdom” to respond in a measured, mature way?  And, again, I am more inclined to consider this an event happening between a husband and wife.

After I pause long enough to have avoided an angry, hurtful retort, I begin to evaluate what I have heard.  I remind myself that (1) my spouse is not my enemy, (2) I want to believe my spouse is not trying to attack me, although that is the way I feel.  If I can allow these thoughts in the forefront of my mind, it allows me to begin to gain some perspective on what was said.  I ask myself if what I heard was indeed what was said.  Sometimes, I react to something that was NOT actually said. 

Next, I ask myself why?  Remembering that what was said was my spouse’s perception (whether or not accurate), was there a reason she said it?  Was there even a bit of truth in it or was it purely an opinion or observation?  In other words, I do what I can to remove the emotion surrounding it.  Sometimes, my defensiveness is because there is truth in the statement or statements and I don’t necessarily want to hear the truth.  The truth can be convicting.

Even though a response is expected, there is could cause to wait until my response can be considered.  I may (often is the truth) need time to process what was said for me to be able to respond and discuss in a respectful conversation.  My wife understands this (because we have talked about it), so she allows me the time to process – but I must set a time to discuss further.  Maybe it is after dinner, maybe in an hour.  Whatever I set, I must be responsible for being ready to talk about it at the designated time.

What I am suggesting may or may not work for you.  Only you can figure that out.  But, one thing you can be sure of, and that is that the quick and heated response is never the best one.

Bottom line, it is all about connecting with your spouse.  That is what we all need.  We need a best friend and a lover.  That does not happen unless we can unlock the secrets of communicating effectively, even in the midst of a situation that can easily spiral out of control. 

Your first attempt might not be perfect – but keep trying!

If you would like some help in connecting with your spouse and finding ways to cool of the tendency to act out of anger, give us a call, we would love to be your coaches.  You can call us at 972-463-1937, email me ken@LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com or complete an interest form on our homepage  www.LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com.  We are here to help.