DATE YOUR SPOUSE

Almost universally, what happens within a year or so of marriage is that our lives kick into a regular routine.  We get up, get dressed, eat some breakfast (some of us) and rush out the door to work. 

Coming home, we fall into a routine, whether it is dinner, help with the kids, put them to bed and fall into bed ourselves, or if there are no kids, maybe we sit down to watch our favorite shows on TV to relax from the day, and eventually, we fall into bed.  Either way, we tend to hit the repeat button the next day. That’s not even considering more things that come into play when the kids get involved in extra activities outside of school.

Ahhh, the weekend!  The weekend, where we try to do all the things we could not do during the week.  Shopping, laundry, lawn work.  Hopefully we can get to church. Maybe, just maybe, we can occasionally find a few hours to do an activity as a family.  And, before we know it, Monday starts our weekly routine all over again.

This pattern may not represent your life, I use it as an example because it has resembled mine and others I know.  One of the things omitted from the above description is any time set aside to maintain a special relationship with the one person who should be second to only God in our lives, and that is our spouse. 

As time goes on, we can feel that our spouse is our partner in carrying on the necessities of life, but is that all there is?  Where is the relationship we had once before we decided to get married?  What we eventually found out is that without carving out time to be together, just the two of us, we easily can become working roommates. What can we do about that?

The first and most important decision is to do something! I can suggest a few things you might try, but it is up to you to find what works uniquely for you, depending on your age and stage.

1.      Make a date night as often as you can. The target should be once a week.  However, depending on the family dynamic, it may need to be every other week or even once a month.  Don’t just talk about it, put it on your calendar!  And don’t make it easy to give it up for something else that comes along. 

2.      Dr. Gary Rosberg shared insight from his growing up years that he and Barb, his wife, have continued in their home.  Every evening when his dad came home, he hugged his kids and kissed his wife, and then excused the kids to another part of the house and he and his wife sat and talked.  They discussed their day.  They might review the next day’s plans.  They discuss how they feel, decisions that need to be made as a family.  They share their concerns.  For those thirty minutes, they tune the world out.  Not only did they feed their own relationship, but they passed that practice onto the next generation.  That’s a legacy worth preserving!

3.      If not before dinner, think about the time you could spend after dinner and after the kids are bedded down.  Turn off the TV.  Spend thirty minutes before bed (maybe even in the bedroom), sharing your daily activities and interactions.  It is amazing how just those few minutes can make a difference in keeping your marriage alive, personal and interactive. 

4.      Instead of a date night, maybe it is a lunch together once a week?

Besides just bringing up and discussing what has happened in your week or during your days, find a way to talk at a deeper level.  Don’t let the dreams and desires that you talked about before you got married be lost.  Keep them alive!  Remind one another what drew you together in the first place.  Encourage one another.

Truthfully, it is easy for Linda and I, now empty nesters, to plan a weekly date night.  However, it is easy for us to use that time just to remind ourselves of everything else we need to do during the following days or weeks.  Date night needs to be for greater connection.  Do you remember your wife’s favorite color?  Favorite food?  Favorite restaurant?  Favorite movie?  Favorite book?  Favorite thing to do when she has a little extra time?  If you are like me, I forget.  I know that I knew these things, but time has me focus on more mundane things than the personal desires and feelings of my wife. 

We found a tool that we have shared with others called “Christian Culture – Couples Edition”.  We found it on Amazon.  It consists of a deck of 103 cards, divided into categories like Icebreakers, Interpretations, Couples topics and Stories.    It works just with the two of you or with a group.  We have used them for date night to generate conversation – the ice breakers are great!        

The most important part of any of these activities is the effort to keep your marriage relationship deepening and thriving, not dull and dying.  Many people we have met reach the nearness of becoming empty nesters realizing they have lost their connection with one another.  They feel like strangers rather than being described as God describes marriage, being two that become as one flesh.  Don’t let that happen to you.  Invest now and keep investing in keeping your marriage relationship strong and growing, facing the challenges of family and life in general, together as God intended.

As always, if you find that, as a couple or individually, you have lost that connection, we would be glad to help you find it.  We are certified Marriage Coaches.  You can find us at www.LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com.