From Separation to reconciliation

We know that God does not want divorce.  (Mathew 19:8)  Jesus does say that adultery is an acceptable reason for divorce.  There are others, including domestic abuse. 

Even though these behaviors can be reasons for divorce, I personally have seen examples where these sins have been committed and the couple has been able to find a way to reconcile their marriage.  I have also seen many examples where differences that arise in the marriage relationship have resulted in divorce where there is a lack of desire and commitment to find a way to work toward reconciliation.  In fact, it seems today that divorce can easily become the easy way out for those who believe that marriage “’bliss” should be the default, and relationship troubles of just about any kind have one or the other partner looking to find a way out.

For those who want to leave the door open for possible reconciliation, what is the secret?  What helps one couple work through what would seem to others like a situation that would be impossible to recover from?  Here are a few things that must be present for eventual reconciliation:

1.      Both parties must be willing to accept their part in what has caused the division.  Yes, there could be one party who committed a sin that seems hard to overcome.  However, the other spouse must be willing to reflect on what they may have done or not done that contributed to or allowed the sin to be committed more easily.

Example:  A man ends up having a close emotional relationship with a female fellow worker.  This is not necessarily a sexual relationship at all.  His wife becomes aware of it and expresses her concern to her husband.  The husband realizes that this emotional connection is very improper and seeks to break it and find a way to reconcile with his wife.  The wife, during the process of reflection, must be willing to examine her own behavior and ask what she may have done or not done that would create an opening for this relationship to be kindled.  She acknowledges that her total focus on her career has left little time for her and her husband to have time together and have meaningful, heartfelt conversations.

2.      Prayer.  The couple should begin to pray for and with one another for God to become a partner in this effort toward reconciliation.  This engages the heart in the process.  Praying together begins to reunite what has been separated and broken.  It also allows each person to share their desire to seek change and healing.

3.      Both must be willing and committed to doing whatever it takes to restore what has been lost.  This may include bringing others into their situation.  This could be a mentoring couple, therapists, even coaches.  Reluctance by either party to enter into this effort can spell defeat.  The wounds are not quickly healed.  Reconciliation is a process, not a simple and quick answer to a problem.

4.      During this effort to reconcile, complete openness and honesty is of utmost importance.  For instance, if each has sought the services of a therapist, they should each sign a release with their respective therapist allowing the other spouse to understand exactly what has been discussed and what steps or actions the spouse is taking or working to move toward restoration of the relationship.  This is a big step, but one that will show each other’s effort to be transparent in all things.  Ultimately, they may decide to attend therapy or coaching together as they progress.

Marriage is a continual process of growing together.  It takes work and effort.  It may take regular review and even reset.  Total commitment is the key.  Paul warns us that those who choose marriage will have troubles.  (1 Corinthians 7:28)  A marriage the way God designed takes work.