Marriage Communication - Understanding and being understood

Effective communication with others is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our daily lives.  This includes at work, in our neighborhood, but also and especially with our spouse.  I want to target communication with our spouse.

God created marriage.  He not only created marriage, but before that, he created man and then woman.  He did not create woman as a copy of man, but as a complement to man.  She is different than man and most often perceives the world very differently.  This can be good, very good, but it also can present challenges for both husband and wife.

Women are created with greater emotional ties than most men.  This is what it looks like…. The pathway from verbal to emotional for a man is a one lane road, filled with stops and detours along the way.  However, the pathway for most women from verbal to emotional is a superhighway with no speed limits and no detours.  Most of us men have a hard time relating to that difference.  This speaks volumes concerning our ability to effectively communicate. 

Think about the last conversation you had with your spouse.  Typically, you, being the man, probably spoke to key points, and at least in your mind, clear and concise.  However, your wife probably spoke like telling a short story (or maybe not so short), full of details that may or not have much effect on the final point of the story.  For myself, if I am not patient, I find my mind asking, “and the point is?” And, if we were to pose that question, we can shut down our wives in an instant.  They interpret the comment as not really wanting to listen to whatever they are saying.  What we have, then, is a failure to communicate. 

We have failed even before we talk about the choice of words, which is a key as well.  So, the first step has got to be to become a good listener.  This means engaging our minds in the conversation.  I am not sure about you, but my mind seems to move at high speed during most of my waking hours.  I must make a concerted effort to slow it down or stop it so that I can listen.   And let’s be honest, if we don’t focus on listening, we find ourselves self-absorbed in preparing our response rather than truly listening.  The first step in effective communication is not speaking but listening!  This is true for both spouses, just ask my wife.

When we focus on truly listening rather than preparing our response, our mind is engaged in understanding what is being shared.  There might be a need to ask for clarification for better understanding and sometimes, even the questions that are hanging in your head are answered without asking.  Guess what, your spouse can read you and they can see you are engaged.  This helps create a safe environment where the speaker can share more deeply and openly. 

Another challenge – what is being shared or described is very different from your perspective.  Perhaps it even raises your own defense mechanisms, including a race toward anger.  Some conversations are hard and insight this type of response from the listener.  Now we are at a crossroads.  The listener has decisions to make that can, if not chosen well, send that communication into a downward spiral.  A knee jerk, negative, attacking response can shove the whole thing right of the cliff.  This is a critical moment.

Let me share something I recently heard that can help us proceed with caution at this very critical juncture.  The four “Ps.”  Before the “attack” response:

• Pause – take a deep breath.  Keep your mouth shut. 

• Ponder – think before you speak.  Rather than jumping to conclusions, consider what has been shared is a perspective – perhaps based on a feeling.   

• Pray – stop in your response cycle long enough to seek the Lord’s guidance in your response.

• Pivot – at this point, you should be able to enter back into the conversation with a level head and an empathetic heart.  The chances that a healthy discussion can move forward have been improved many times over.

By following these suggested four “Ps”, the ability to move the conversation to a more logical and rationalized interaction rather than starting and fanning a fire that never results in a happy ending.  The goal must be to understand one another’s perspective before being able to resolve any conflict. In my experience, after being able to keep the conversation respectful, I can often find that there are common feelings and thoughts. Some could still be different, and I may not agree with everything, but sometimes, just sometimes, I actually am able to feel empathy.  Even if I disagree with her perspective, I better understand where she is coming from, and the door to resolving our differences remains open to further discussion.

There are many books on effective communication and this blog is not meant to be the start of another one.  However, the topic is critical to finding joy in our marriages.   The Bible tells us in James 1:19, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Anger is a secondary emotion, sprouting from either hurt or fear.  The key is to pause and deal with the hurt or fear before it becomes anger.   This is the first and most important step in the four “Ps” process.  This extinguishes the fire while it is still smoldering before the flames erupt.  A kind response becomes more likely. 

Besides forgiveness, being able to effectively communicate and resolve conflict are the most important keys to finding joy and happiness in marriage.   When we feel as a married couple, that we are a team facing together the struggles that the world dishes out to us, we become overcomers.

The further truth, this cannot be done without God’s help.  The sooner we realize this, the better chance we have of building and maintaining a marriage as God intended, two people reaching up to God and out to each other. 

And how can you connect with this living God?  The first step is the realization that our human nature is faulty.  We sin – we act in ways that we know in our heart are not part of God’s intention.  We hurt others and we act in selfish ways.  God wants us to be perfect, but we cannot be.  If we think we are, we are lying to ourselves.  God is without sin and therefore we are separated from God due to our sin.  But God has the plan to help us overcome sin.  He sent his son, Jesus, into the world of man to show us the way.  Jesus had a mission.  He was sent to die for our sins (to pay the price that we deserve because of our sin).  Then, he arose from the grave in which he was buried, showing that he overcame death.  And there is more…. He promises that if we believe in him and his mission and ask him to come into our heart, he will change that heart, help us to to overcome our sinful nature, and ensure that we, too, will overcome death and be able to live eternity with God.  Jesus promises that when God examines our heart, he will see the perfection of Jesus, and be accepted and welcomed into his Kingdom.

If you would like to have help navigating the challenges of communication in your marriage relationship, we are here for you.  www.LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com