Resolving Conflict in Marriage

In marriage, there are two topics that always seem to go hand in hand:  Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution.  Without effective communication, conflict doesn’t stand a chance of being resolved. 

At one time, I thought that if you were married to the right person, there would be no conflict.  What a crazy thought!  God created each of us as unique individuals, and as such, there are differences.  Differences in the way we think, we believe, and we behave.  Each of us is special in that way.  Sure, we may have many common beliefs (and hopefully so), but we will inevitably have differences as well.  You may even think the differences overwhelm the similarities at times.

With that in mind, we are sure to experience conflict in marriage – yes, even in great marriages striving for the “oneness” that God describes in his creation and definition of marriage.  How we deal with the conflict so that it binds us together rather than creates separation is key, and the challenge. 

Cool Heads Must Prevail

When we have strong feelings that are being challenged, we can often respond with a raised voice, a sharp tone, maybe even a sarcastic remark.  None of these responses help to create an environment where conflicts can be resolved.  They only escalate the situation.

Moving toward any resolution of conflict, then, must begin by being able to bring a calmness to the air.  What does that take?  For different people it may take different action.  Some may need to pause a take a deep breath.  Others may need to step away for a few minutes to gain their composure.  In some situations, even a rescheduling for discussing the topic can be helpful.  Understanding what you and your partner need to bring about that calmness is paramount.

For Christians, this should mean that we, together, if at all possible, stop and pray, asking for God’s guidance in being able to discuss the conflict and to bring resolution and when needed, reconciliation.

Communication is Key

One thing for sure, conflict never resolves itself.  It requires action.  That action is communication.  Once there is a calmness felt, expressing feelings through verbal communication helps each person to better understand how the other is perceiving the situation.  Here is both an opportunity and a possible obstacle.  If you tend to be an avoider or have a hard time expressing your feelings, this takes more effort than one who easily pours out their feelings.  However, both must be able to share their feelings.

Using “I” and Avoiding the Words “Always” or “Never”                     

It’s about the way “I” feel.  And to state something like “When you ______ (say or do), I feel _______.”  Avoid starting the discussion with “You never”, or “You always”.  Staying with “I” statements reduces the tone of accusation and addresses feelings about the behavior, not the frequency. 

Listening Without Interrupting

This one action can say more about showing respect to the other person than practically any other.  When we feel heard, really heard, resolution becomes closer to being a possibility.  Active listening – simple acknowledgment, a response of “I see” or “I get it” shows attentiveness.  We all want to be heard.  And when you are the listener, you must resist the urge to become defensive.  Defensiveness leads to come back statements which lead to an escalation of the issue, not the resolution.  When you are formulating a response, you cannot listen well at the same time.  Just listen.

Discovering Common Ground

After each person has been able to express their feelings, finding common ground can be a powerful tool toward resolution.  When both can find agreement – agreeing to the end goal desired, even agreeing that its hard to deal with the situation at hand, can help lead to a “team” approach toward resolution, looking for middle ground, if possible.  When problems are solved with collaboration rather than opposition, relationships can be strengthened.

Forgiveness

In a Christian marriage, this step is essential for building and maintaining a relationship that glorifies God and helps us reflect God’s love and grace to our spouse.  Forgiveness never means that the issue is forgotten, it does not mean that the behavior was acceptable, it does not even mean that trust is immediately restored.  But it does allow the relationship to move forward. 

Seek Counsel If Needed

If the conflict you are experiencing is too challenging for the two of you to resolve on your own, seeking outside counsel to help facilitate the necessary steps that need to take place to move toward resolution may be a wise decision. This step is NOT a sign of weakness, but instead a courageous desire to be able to resolve the conflict and actually build or rebuild the relationship.

The Role of Patience

Sometimes, a conflict cannot be resolved quickly through the steps described here.  The deeper the hurt caused by the behavior that caused the conflict, the longer the healing may take before the relationship can he healed.  And no one likes waiting.  We all would much rather be able to find the “magic” that immediately restores the relationship we treasure so much.  Respecting and understanding that some things take time can result in a better and more effective resolution and therefore a healthier relationship moving forward.

A Note About Seeking Wise Counsel

Trusted friends could be an effective sounding board for advice.  If the issue is found to be one that has resulted in part from one’s personal history, a professional counselor or therapist can work to help deal with past hurts.  If the way to resolution needs encouragement to understand one another, help to communicate, and accountability, a Christian Life Coach could be the helpful counsel needed. 

Ken and Linda Reichart are certified Christian Life Coaches.  You can find out more at www.LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com.  We can help.