THE FREEDOM FOUND IN HONEST COMMUNICATION

I think I might be talking more to the guys in this blog, but that might also be that I can only share my journey in my marriage from the man’s perspective.

Men, your wife has got to be your best friend.  Yes, you need close male friends.  Friends who will ask the tough questions and hold you accountable.  But you need a wife with whom you can share your feelings – not just your thoughts, but your feelings.  Those feelings that are so hard to express.  And yes, sharing my true feelings is hard – much easier to share my thoughts.  But I do have feelings.  I just choose not to allow myself to truly “feel” them and express them.

Why do we (or at least some of us) find it hard to share deep concerns and feelings with our wives?  I think there are several reasons:

1.      Somehow we feel that if we truly open up ourselves to sharing deep feelings, we will show ourselves to be weak.

2.      Perhaps we have some concern that if we share such intimate feelings that our wife may choose to share our conversation with others.

3.      We might think if we show we really have these concerns or feelings that our wife will use this information to somehow take advantage of us.

If you examine these reasons (or excuses) for not sharing on a deep level, you will see, as I have, that they originate from the Evil one – the devil himself.  After all, he is continually working to break apart marriages.  Marriage was created by God, and so is a prime target for the devil’s attack.

Now, for the truth.  The marriage relationship God describes as “the two becoming one flesh” in Genesis 2:24. No other relationship has been described this way.   This relationship should be the most trusted and the most protected.  It should be the safest place to be for both people.  With that in mind, honesty and openness must be a comfortable place to be.  Here is what I have found in response to the concerns noted above:

1.      Am I weak when I am completely open and honest with my wife?  The answer is a resounding NO!  In fact, when I choose to risk that open and honest communication, it draws us close to one another – every time!  There is no feeling of weakness.  In fact, it creates a feeling of a strengthening bond in our relationship. 

2.      Does my wife choose to share our intimate conversations with others?  I have never experienced that.  In fact, in most cases, she chooses to also share something very personal that “seals” the conversation as private and shields it against sharing.

3.      Has my wife ever used anything I have revealed as a tool to later remind me about my silly feelings or to hold it over my head?  Never happened to me.  Opening our hearts is usually received as something profoundly personal and intimate. 

There are exceptions, I am certain.  Marital relationships can be or become so toxic that a personal relationship has been lost and the benefits of being able to share on a deep level have no meaning and in fact could cause more strife.  Deciding to share deeply will not fix a broken relationship, but it can deepen a good basic relationship. 

Let me share a very personal example.  And yes, I have permission to share it.  We have shared it with others before.

There was a time years ago that our sexual intimacy was faltering.  I did not feel that my desire or sex drive had changed, but it seemed that my wife’s had.  She, more and more often, was choosing to ignore any subtle advances I would made toward having sex.  Of course, this did not immediately open the door for communication.  Silently, I wondered what was wrong with me?  Was she no longer attracted to me?  Was I not able to satisfy her?  These questions circled within my mind but never seemed to make it to the surface.  That is, until one day.  I am ashamed to admit, but it was my wife who was brave enough to open the door of communication.

A little back story.  My wife suffers from a chronic illness and there have been times that she has experienced ups and downs in this illness, requiring differing drug treatments.  Those can also have some side effects to deal with. 

When that day of communication occurred, she began by sharing that I had probably noticed her lack of interest in having sex.  That was her way of easing into communication, and it allowed me to agree to what I had already observed.  She then explained that for whatever reason, sexual intercourse was causing her discomfort.  Not only could she not experience pleasure, but she was actually experiencing pain!

Of course, that was the last thing I desired was to cause her pain!  She assured me that her desire had not changed toward me, but the pain she experienced was causing her to pull away when there seemed to be a desire expressed by me for sexual intimacy.  Now I understood and inside I was crushed that I had allowed myself to be tormented in my mind without speaking up earlier.  She showed to be the one with the courage to be honest and open with me.

To finish that story, we both (together) sought medical advice and with their help, we were able to relieve her pain.  However, without that deep sharing, I could still be wondering what was going on, and she would continue to feel guilt that she had not released by sharing.

The result was that both of us felt closer than ever to one another.  We were reminded that when our hearts were fully revealed to each other, there was a special connection that I want to believe God meant when he said “ the two shall become as one.”

If you struggle in finding that “heart to heart” communication with your spouse, we would be honored to help you discover or rediscover it.  You can find us at www.LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com or you can email me at Ken@LKRChristianLifeCoaching.com.